The Hardest Part of Boundaries: The Grief No One Talks About.
There’s been lots of talk lately in the counselling room about the unexpected grief that comes with setting boundaries. Clients share the same painful truth, changing relationship dynamics isn’t just uncomfortable; it can be heart breaking.
We hear it all the time:
"Just set boundaries!"
Like it’s as simple as flipping a switch. But what no one talks about is the aftermath. The discomfort. The guilt. The deep grief that comes when the people closest to you don’t respond well to your boundaries.
Setting boundaries isn’t just about self-care, it’s about shifting the entire dynamic of your relationships. And let’s be real: not everyone is going to be happy about that. Some will push back. Some will guilt-trip you. And some… some might just walk away.
That’s the part no one warns you about - the loss. The painful realisation that some relationships only worked when you were over-giving, over-extending, or ignoring your own needs. When you finally stop doing that, it can be shocking to see who resents your growth instead of celebrating it.
Grief and boundaries go hand in hand. You’re not just losing unhealthy dynamics; you might be losing people who once felt like home. That’s hard. And it’s okay to mourn that loss.
But here’s the thing, when you create space by letting go of relationships that don’t respect your boundaries, you open yourself up to connections that do. It might feel lonely for a while but trust that you are making room for people who value and respect you for who you truly are.
If you’re in the thick of it right now, feeling the ache of lost relationships, know this: your boundaries are not the problem. Your growth is not the problem. And the right people? They won’t leave when you start honouring yourself, they’ll love you for it.
What’s been your experience with the grief of setting boundaries?
