People Pleasing: When Saying "Yes" Comes at a Cost
In sessions, I often see clients struggling with the overwhelming need to please others, a pattern commonly known as "people-pleasing." While it may look like kindness or generosity on the surface, it often stems from deeper roots—ones that are tangled in childhood trauma, societal expectations, and the unequal pressures placed on women.
For many, people-pleasing begins in childhood. If your early environment demanded perfection, compliance, or peacekeeping, you may have learned to prioritize others' needs over your own. Children raised in homes where emotional safety was inconsistent often develop people-pleasing as a survival strategy. The desire to avoid conflict or gain approval becomes ingrained, carrying into adulthood as a deeply rooted belief: "If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe."
Layered over this are societal and cultural messages that encourage self-sacrifice, particularly for women.
Girls are often praised for being "good," "helpful," or "easygoing," while assertiveness and boundary-setting can be criticized as "bossy" or "selfish." These expectations can make it harder to unlearn the habit of putting others first, even when it leads to burnout or resentment.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about rejecting generosity or connection. It's about unlearning the belief that your worth is tied to how much you give. At Wild Heart Therapy, I empower clients to reconnect with their own needs, set boundaries without guilt, and find their voice. It’s a process of learning to say "yes" to yourself first.
12 Signs You’re People Pleasing
You look to others for how you feel in a relationship or a situation.
It is difficult to identify your feelings, even when you are alone.
At the first sign of conflict, your first instinct is to appease the angry person.
Resentment is building in your relationships.
You ignore your own beliefs, thoughts, and truths and accept those of the people around you.
Saying no to those around you is a challenge.
You lack boundaries and are often taken advantage of in relationships.
You feel irrationally guilty if you ever prioritize activities for yourself.
You are uncomfortable or threatened when asked to give an opinion.
You struggle to manage conflict.
You repeatedly forgive people who refuse to change.
You agree to plans even when you need the rest.
12 Ways to Manage People Pleasing
Identifying your triggers: Understand what situations or people push you into people-pleasing mode.
Challenge your thoughts: Question the belief that your worth depends on others' approval.
Practice (in safe places to start with) saying "no".
Practice setting boundaries.
Ask your spouse or friend to support you.
Practice self care / Permit yourself to rest.
Spend time with people that energize you, rather than people you feel obligated to spend time with.
Build self-esteem and self-worth.
Practice self-compassion.
Engage in activities just for you.
Practice acceptance and letting go of control.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
12 Reminders to Help Cope with People Pleasing
My needs are important.
I trust my feelings.
I can have my own preferences, likes and dislikes.
Conflict does not mean someone hates me.
I don’t need to be perfect.
I don’t need to over-explain myself to anyone.
I can say no.
It’s not my responsibility to take care of others’ emotions around me.
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship.
Feeling guilty after setting a boundary doesn’t mean that I did something wrong.
I am learning to be assertive and stand up for my inner-child who felt unsafe speaking up.
I am not for everyone, and I am ok with that.
If this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. The journey from people-pleasing to self-honoring is one of courage and self-compassion—a radical act of reclaiming your own life.
